Where can I find you again?
by Crystal heart of ruby love
Summary: It has been 6 years since the war but deep within, my heart bleeds. It bleeds like how it never has before, not even during the war...
1. My heart is bleeding

_Author's note: This was supposed to be a one-shot, but somehow, it became so long that I had to split it into 2 chapters. Please read on and I hope you enjoy it…_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Seed or Gundam Seed Destiny and the characters..._

**Where can I find you again...**

_It has been 6 years since the war but deep within, my heart bleeds. It bleeds like how it never has before, not even during the war…_

The room was silent and serene. A gentle and sweet scent of roses drifted through the air, drawing my attention to the bunch of red roses in the glass vase by his bed. It wasn't there before. It dawned on me that they had been here before me.

They were equally concerned as I was…

I shifted my gaze to the midnight-haired coordinator lying on the white bed, swathed in soft white blankets. My battered heart was at ease. He had survived another painful day.

Slowly, I approached the chair lying by his bed and sat down quietly. He didn't stir, didn't move. He was usually like that when I visited, still and unnerved.

There was no difference in him, except for the oxygen mask. He must have had difficulty breathing again... How could I not have been there when he needed the comfort…?

"Hi Athrun…" I murmured, bending close to look at his face. He lay there, not replying, not showing me the slightest hint that he was listening. I studied his soft features. Behind them, he hid his pain. He never showed me how much he hurt, always covering the pain with his gentle features, that reassuring smile of his, those lovely emerald orbs… I moved my hand up to his soft blue hair to caress him, running my hand over his hair as I smoothed back his fringe and down to his cheek.

The tears that I had held back started to overwhelm me and I drew back hurriedly, closing my eyes, trying to swallow my tears. A single pearl rolled down my cheek and I lost as pearl after pearl followed.

He had been lying on this very bed for more than a year as illness pleasured in tormenting him. I saw it took its toll on him. When he was first found clutched in its grasp, he was merely weak and tired easily. But now, as time rolled by, he was confined to the bed, had difficulties in breathing and lived constantly in the thought of leaving his loved ones and the world behind.

I opened my eyes as a soft, hardly audible gasp caught my attention. He was awake, his beautiful pools of emerald fixed on me. Hurriedly, I wiped away the traces of my tears with the back of my hand. He hated to see me cry...

Smiling weakly, I turned back to look at him. His lips parted slightly as he strained to make his words heard.

I moved closer. "I'm here, Athrun… What do you want to tell me?" I whispered. He gasped softly and muttered a faint "Cagalli…"

I smiled at his attempt to speak.

"Did you… co-come to see… me?"

"Yes. I missed you…"

He reached up strenuously to his oxygen mask and tried to pull it down so he could make himself heard more audibly. But I stopped him... As much as I wanted to hear his voice, telling me it was alright, telling me this was just a nightmare and I would wake up soon… but he depended on it now, he needed the oxygen mask… to live, to live for another long, agonizing day…

I clasped his hand. It felt chilly, icy, heart-numbing cold… He smiled slightly and closed his eyes. Then, opened his sweet emerald orbs again...

"How… is… O-Orb?" He smiled gently.

"Good…" I replied, "Everything's at peace. You know that with me, Princess of Orb here, and Lacus, Chairwoman of PLANT taking care of everything, how could another war break out?"

Relief swept over his face. He always asked me that question and it always pleased him to know that Orb and PLANTS were on their good terms.

"Our children are very obedient…" I added, forcing a grin, "Do you know that they have promised to visit you tomorrow? They're busy today. Murrue had them help her in the on-coming school party. It's nice to know that Murrue decided to take up teaching and is their teacher… Our sweet daughter said she would bring you a surprise present tomorrow, and our lovely son agreed to show you his picture of us as a family. He drew it himself and everyone commented that he has the talent for drawing. Murrue and Mu said they would approach some of their friends who specialized in teaching art to teach him more…"

A smile curled at his lips.

I smoothed back his silky midnight blue hair. I hated to see him look so vulnerable and weak.

A sharp gasp made me gaze down at him with concern but as fast as it came, it disappeared as he covered his pain with a smile. Still, I could see his agony, his suffering, his torture… I said nothing about it. He didn't like me to realize his pain…

We talked some more, mostly me doing the talking. Throughout our conversation, he hid his predicament with smiles. But I could see him struggling…

Then, it happened so sudden. He started to gasp, struggling to breathe. His eyes were closed and his face pale. His hand clutched weakly at his oxygen mask, the other clawing desperately at the blanket.

"Athrun! Athrun! Are you alright? Athrun!" I shot up from the chair and grasped his hand. Chokes emitted from him. "Athrun!" I cried.

Dashing to the door, I flung it open and screamed down the hallway. "Doctor Abigail! Help! Someone, please help! My husband… Doctor Abigail! Nurse! Please, somebody!"

The door of a ward was flung open and a brunette glanced out. When she saw me, she grabbed 2 nurses and dashed towards me. "Doctor! My husband… Doctor!" I shrieked, pointing at Athrun who was writhing on the bed in pain, struggling to breathe.

She hardly took a glance at him, she knew what was happening. It was so common nowadays, everyone in the hospital knew. They knew things that I chose not to believe, they knew things like he was leaving, knew things like he would never recover…

"Wheel him to the emergency room!" She ordered the nurses. I felt myself screaming deep within. How could this happen?

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

I was running alongside the bed, racing past the white walls of the hospital. I didn't know where I was heading. Hot tears blinded me, streaking down my cheeks. "You'll be alright, Athrun… Everything will be fine…" I tried to reassure him. My voice was shaking; it couldn't be any reassuring at all.

Hands grabbed me as we approached the sterile area of the emergency room. I wouldn't let go of him, I couldn't let go of his hand. He didn't want to as well; his grip was weak but persistent. "Representative Athha, please let go… He'll be alright… Miss Cagalli…" The nurses tried to pull our hands apart. I screamed, wailed, shrieked… but sobbed helplessly when we broke apart and the nurses pushed his bed into the emergency room. He was wheeled farther and farther… farther and farther away… fading from my sight, his hand outstretched as he tried to reach me…

My hands were shaking so hard that I could hardly punch in the numbers in my hand-phone. As it rang, I pressed it into my ear, waiting to hear the familiar voice.

"Hello? Kira speaking…"

I broke down when I heard that voice. I couldn't speak.

"Hello?"

"Kira… Kira… Athrun's… Athrun, he… Athrun…" I sobbed, sliding down to the ground.

"Cagalli? Is that you? What happened to Athrun? Are you at the hospital? Stay there! Don't go! Stay there! I'm coming…"

There was a click and I dropped the phone on the ground, sliding against the wall, weak from sobbing.


	2. Inside my Home and my Heart

**Where can I find you again...**

I felt the limo come to a halt. I heard the door open as Kira and Lacus exited from the limo. I remained where I was, my eyes stoned. The door beside me was opened and I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. I didn't look at Kira; I didn't bother about Lacus when she opened the other door and took my children out of the limo; I didn't notice the soft patter of the rain as it fell from the heavens and drenched the mourning earth.

"Cagalli…"

I turned to look at him for a moment. His amethyst orbs were downcast, his eyes swollen from crying, his face sallow… I remained silent.

"Cagalli, we're here…"

I knew we were there. I knew we had arrived… but I wanted to see him…

"Kira…"

"Yes?"

"I want to see Athrun…"

He looked startled. Then, he replied grimly, "I know… We're all here to see him…"

"No!" I screamed, "I don't want to see a slab of stone! I want to see Athrun! I want Athrun; I want to touch him; I want to see his eyes; I want to feel his hair!" I twisted and writhed in the limo seat, pounding the leather chair in anger.

I felt Kira's hands grab me.

"Cagalli," He stroked my hair gently as I grabbed his clothes, sobbing and wailing, "We know he's still there; you know that he's still watching us; we know that his love for you is undying… He may be gone, but he'll never want to see you like this… Do you remember his attempts to hide his pain from us? He wants us to be happy; he wants you to exist in joy forever…" Kira pulled me away for a moment and tilted my chin towards him.

I stared into his lavender pools. In them, I saw regret and grief but I saw the will to live, to survive, to please Athrun, to fulfill Athrun's hopes… Then, I saw myself; a huge difference from Kira. I was giving up; pitying myself and Athrun… It didn't seem like what he wanted… not at all…

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

It was a beautiful grave, one of the prettiest I had ever seen. It was in the open field we had enjoyed our first picnic together, overlooking the beautiful sea rushing towards the shore… I shifted my gaze to the pretty flowers that surrounded it. They were Lacus's idea; the lilies, the roses, the tulips, the daisies… But I felt the haunted feeling when I saw the slab of stone.

_Athrun Zala. A brave soldier, a wonderful husband, a dedicated father who etches love in the hearts of those he knew…_

But he was gone. He left the hearts of those he knew flooded with grief, sorrow, misery…

It seemed like everyone he knew was there… Kira and Lacus were guiding the children from the orphanage to the tomb. Behind them, trailed my children. My gaze shifted and I saw many others. Murrue and Mu were huddled together, his arm around her as they stared at his tomb silently. Then, there was Yzak and Shiho, Dearka and Miriallia, Shinn and Lunamaria, Meyrin, Andrew Waltfield, Caridad and Haruma… Kisaka, Kojiro, Arnold, Dalida… Everyone who respected him and remembered him… were there to mourn his loss…

Kira was the first to spot me and he guided me gently to his grave. Silence engulfed the crowd and everyone turned to the cold, slab of stone…

The children of the orphanage had each made origami flowers and they cupped handfuls of it before his grave, letting the breeze pick them up from their little hands. Then, everyone paid their respects, leaving roses and bouquets. My children and I were the last… I watched as my pair of twins approached his grave slowly.

"Dad, I drew this…" My son muttered, revealing a kite, "I drew us all, a huge family and friends in a land of peace. Uncle Kira helped me make it into a kite so I could send it to you… Here…" He released the string less kite into the sky. I watched it flutter in the wind, blowing it out to the open sea.

"Papa, I will miss you… always…" I cast my glance back to the ground and stared as my daughter bent down, placing a single crimson rose on his grave, "I wanted to give this to you but you… left… before I had the chance to…" She stooped and placed a beautiful snow globe by his grave.

They retreated, leaving a path for me… but I stood where I was, my hands clenching tightly to the bouquet of roses I held. "Cagalli…" I ignored the brunette standing beside me. "Cagalli… It's your turn…" He took my arm and led me forward before retreating.

I stared for a while, letting the words carved on the stone run through my mind for an instant, like a tape on film, a broken tape repeating scene after scene… "We knew this would happen, didn't we?" I muttered quietly, unable to hide the bitterness from my voice, "That's why you always tried to deceive me with that silly smile of yours, misleading me to think that you were alright…" I paused as a light breeze whipped my blonde hair. Through the sweeping wind came a soft whisper, _"Yes, Cagalli… And because I love you…" _I smiled, "And I love you too, Athrun…" A soft chuckle strained through the breeze.

"Will we meet again, Athrun?"

"_No…"_

"Why?"

"_Because I will never leave you so there is no need for us to meet again…"_

"I hate that eloquent tongue of yours…"

"_I know… But it charms you, does it not?"_

"I will choose not to answer that question, Athrun… It's personal..."

There was the familiar sound of his chuckling, so sweet and young, like the twinkling of the wind chimes...

"_So… isn't it time for you to give me the lovely flowers you hold?"_

"Of course…" I bent down to place the bouquet by his grave.

"_I love you, Cagalli…"_

"Are you going somewhere? Where will I find you?"

"_In our home… In your heart…"_

"Home? Heart?"

"_Of course, Cagalli… Our home… A place which we both created…"_

"Yes, Athrun…"

"_And your heart where you bring me with you everywhere you go…"_

"Of course, Athrun…" Gentle laughter drifted through the wind.

I turned and headed to the limo, a peaceful, gentle smile playing across my lips. Of course, Athrun… Our home and my heart… That is where you will always be and that is where I will find you again…

_Author's note: How do you find my story? Does it meet your expectations? I swear that it wasn't intentional on my part to make Athrun suffer but somehow, as I typed, the story plot turned out this way! Please review! Your reviews are really needed and appreciated for me to either continue writing other stories or do changes to "Where can I find you again..." So, please review!!!_


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